#pain #family #broken – Powerful Words

Longing Aching Pain

Suffocating on the inside as my heart is breaking. My mind wonders as the tears fall. Such an emptiness, praying for acceptance. No matter what, I’m left feeling unacceptable. From younger years, all the way to adulthood. Never included or even thought about. Feeling like such an outcast, why was i even created? By blood or not it does not matter, when the blood turns cold or never connected. Is it you or is it me? I know I wasn’t always the best, nor decisions I made were the best. I did things to hurt you, and this I must deal with. I’m ashamed and embarrassed. But it wasn’t all how you made it out to be. You edited the scene and made me look worse. You turned your back on me and wish for me to never be. I did two things that you won’t forgive for and now I’m dead to you. It’s kinda funny as I sit back and ponder. Yet it’s kinda sad to. I’m greatful I’m me and not you. I wouldn’t want to be as childish as you. Wondering what I mean, one second I’ll tell you. We all know what I did and now you are done with me. Memories of betrayal and hurtful things keep repeating now. Remember on the school bus, that older boy who jumped on me for no reason. You did nothing besides say, do what you want that not my sister. Or how about the time your best friend wanted something from your sister and yall made a plan knowing how envie I was and would follow along. I was left feeling nasty and used. You degraded me and called me names. Even though it was your planning and idea. Or how about all the times you denied you even knew me and our relationship. We lived in the same house and even the same parents. Yet I was no one and you didn’t know me. Never included or invited. You and your brother bond keep getting stronger. The more yall bond grew the more, I felt broken. Longing and suffocating just to be wanted. Looking at it through my eyes, leaves me feeling like an outsider staring through a window. At a family I always wished for. Not sure why today your actions hurt a little deeper. I mean hell since I was diagnosed with bipolar, I was no longer your sister. Even explaining to your new girlfriends how I’m not your sister it can’t be undone, for the blood ties us together. No matter what I’ll always be your sister. But with that your wishes I honor. Your dead to me and no longer my brother. Chest feeling lighter and small grain appears. Realizing I’ve set myself free, free of the grips of wanting you to love me. Why care still when you never have. Actually feeling blessed that I have a heart of compassion and not one of greed. So long my brother, a brother to me yu never was and never will be.

Have you ever had your finger snapped in half, by the one who says they love you? Have you ever been drugged through the house by the hair on your head? Have you ever sat in a room by your self, wanting and wishing to die? Have you ever laid in bed all night long, remembering every name, and every hateful word that was spoken to you? Have you ever had broken bones on top of already broken bones and repeattley punch in the head and have multiple concussion. You haven’t? Well I have, that pain is nothing compared to the pain I’m feeling right now. This pain has dug it’s claws into my chest. Ripping my flesh and bones apart. Taking my heart out my chest, and throwing it on the ground, while pouring gallons of salt in the open hole that was just cut into me. My tears pour down my face, uncontrollable. My stomach is on fire, I can feel the burning, deep in the pit of my stomach like I’m standing in hell. Can’t cut the pain away, or I’ll be consider unfit as a parent. Can’t drink the pain away or else what I been fighting for will be ripped from me. So what is one to do?? Sit and ponder in this pain?? Can’t ask for help, or they say your unfit. The pain and the memories just keep repeating, burning every inches of your body. But no, your force to sit and let it burn you up until nothing is left but a hollow shell……..I can’t even finish my thoughts, cause I’m that far gone in pain. Thanks