Powerful Words

Chest tight, heart pounding……
Breathing but choking………
Head down, no eye contact……
Mind starts racing, body begins shaking…….
Look around to see what or who around……
Taking your breath as the fear invading …..
Fear of being seen……
Feelings of wanting to disappear creeping…..
Hyperventilating making you feel spacey……
Anxiety invading as it wishes…..
Oh how I hate you…….
I wish I could escape you…..
Ripping your claws out of me forever…….
But you’re here to stay you say…..
Round and round we go…..
I’m left to your mercy……
No matter the pill…..
I’m left to the mercy of my anxiety attack……

Self-sabotaging is the game,
Irrational thinking and pleasing people
 are the opponents.
 Minds overloaded 
as emotions backfire and misfire. 
Wires are crossed and sparks flying
 like fireworks on the 4th of July.
 Body shaken and hearts pounding, 
pounding like drums in a marching band. 
Trying to grasp the insanity that has taken over, 
while pretending everything is okay.
 Not reveling anything,
 curtains kept close for this show, 
I hadn’t sold tickets. Tickets didn’t sell due to 
fear of failure, failure of letting others down. 
People pleasing and my stinky thinking 
has me in the ring, boxing an endless round. 
No bell or referee to intervene,
 blows keep coming to me from me. 
Oh how I desire for an ending,
 ones coming this I know. 
Been here before and will be here again.
 What a ride my bipolar and depression takes me on. 
Their in control I am their hostage.
 Whenever they wish,
 however they desire.
 I’m their homebase, 
the one they intruded and 
made upstairs theirs forever home.

The thunder roars, as the lighting strikes
The pain is gone, but the memories burn like a candle at night
The flames as hot as the memories burned into my soul
The tears fall like summer rain,
but burn like a lighters flame.
My heart shattered, like glass hitting the floor
The glass shards rip through my skin
allowing my emotions to flow.
My emotions flows throw my hands on to paper
The flow of words is like a river,
clear, pure and sometimes cold.
I shall fight through the painful memories
Although they will always be burned into my soul,
not allowing the beast to leave my body or thoughts,
I shall conquer the beast from within until my last breath 
I am allowed to breathe.
I shall not rest nor give up, until pure happiness I truly find
So, my soul may rest and my body may float
through life like an angel with wings
Until my soul truly finds it’s resting place
shortly after my last breath is taken.

Sadness, happiness
Pain, love
Frighten, fear
All the same.
So different in many ways,
Yet it’s just the same.
Days of happiness
Days of sadness
Days of love
Days of hate.
So confusing,
Hard to understand.
Love, happiness life’s worth living,
Hate, sadness is worth dying.
Death is scary,
Once achieved there’s no going back.
Don’t dream of death,
When days are bad.
Go to sleep, awake with a smile.
Live another day, make the best of it.
Learn from your mistakes,
Don’t repeat them.
Let yourself be happy,
Like you deserve.

It was a blazing hot day and all the neighborhood kids, were going to the little creek by the old baseball field. I had already made up my mind, that I was going to stay home. I really needed sometime to myself. Both my parents were going to be working late, which was nothing new. I just had turn 15 years old, so I was able to stay home alone finally. I always thought, isn’t it ironic how at 14 I wasn’t able to stay alone. Yet I was old enough to deal with mental illness and take medicine. I was the youngest of 3 kids, and the only one with a mental illness. Both my sister’s were star athletes and out of town for a competition. I was excited to finally have the house to myself, mostly the bathroom. If you have sister’s or even brothers you may understand what I mean.  I ran a hot bubble bath and made my playlist. Then I thought for a moment, heck it’s so hot out why take a hot bath. A smile creep across my face as I thought for a moment, then I ran down stairs as fast as I could turning the AC to 55°.  One hour won’t cost to much, I said to my self as a jetted back up stairs. Hitting the play button, I sanked into the tub until the bubbles rested by my mouth.  I just laid there replaying the month that had just passed and all the changes I just indured. I must had fallen asleep, for a woke up to someone banging on my door. The water was ice cold and so was the whole house. I guess they figured no one was home and finally the knocking stopped and I heard Earl yell, “She’s not home, let’s go”. Earl was a bully to put it nicely. He was big for his age and to make sure no one made fun of him, he would bully and pick on everyone first. I lost count on how many people he made cried or how many times he was suspended. Not that I cared to remember or even tried to remember. All I knew was he was up to no good and I wanted no part of it. I hopped out the bath shivering threw on my bathrobe and ran to turn the air off. I glanced at the clock on the wall above the fire place, 6:00pm it read. No way I thought to myself, no way I was in there for two hours. Thank goodness I didn’t drown or something, and hopefully the parents don’t ever find out. If for some reason they do, I’ll never be able to stay alone again.
       Knock, knock “Molly I know your in there” Knock, knock, Molly?? Frustrated I slam open the door, Earl what’s your problem, can’t you see I’m busy. Now go, leave me alone. Geeze, what’s your problem medicine not working. Laughter fills the air, good one Earl says Junior. Yeah good one Earl, I repeated. Confused look fell across his face, shocked that I was agreeing with it especially since it’s about me. I slammed the door and run upstairs to get dressed, I knew they be back sooner or later. Phone rings as I hit the top step, catching my breath I mumble hello. Molly it’s me mom, are you okay? Yes, I just got out the bath and was getting dressed when you called. Ok well it doesn’t look like we will be home tonight. The whole report is having to be redone. Someone your father manged to spill a while pot of coffee. It slipped, it was an accident I heard dad yell. Accident or no accident we can’t go home George.  Do you want us to order you a pizza for dinner Honey? Sure mom that be fine. Pepperoni please and may I have some crazy bread? Yes dear, I’ll call now and it should be about thirty minutes. 
    Wow one whole night to myself this is going to be amazing.  Even more so, due to the fact I have been in the hospital for a month. After getting dressed I went down stairs to wait on the pizza. I really wanted to sit out side but all the kids from the block where outside and I didn’t want to deal with the question. While eating pizza at the table, couldn’t help but to think. Why me, why must I have such a stupid brain. Doctor’s call it bipolar, I call it a pain in the butt. To never feel good enough, to have lows and highs. I often wonder what I did to deserve it. But truth is I didn’t do anything. It’s simply how I was born.
     Knock, knock… Come in guys, I know you have many questions. Yeah where you been? I heard you went crazy, Earl don’t say that, your so mean. So Molly tell us where you been. I thought long and hard on what I would say, but then I remembered something I wrote while at the hospital. So I decided to read my poem.  
               
                            Mental Health

           There’s a stigma around Mental Health and it needs to be erased. Y’all need to realize before for us it’s a little too late, just like they say addiction is a disease so is mental health. Its something people are born with and something they can’t control. I guarantee you as I’m standing here breathing, the ones who suffer with the diagnosis of a mental health would give anything in this world to have it taken back. It’s a mystery as why some have bipolar depression anxiety PTSD and so much more. and why some of them do not. Just like it’s a mystery why some do a drug only once and never touched it again. And then have  those souls that lose their lives trying to find another fix. Were looked upon with disgust, around us nobody wants to be. You don’t have to tell us for we can see it in your eyes. when we come walking your way and you dodge to miss us. But did you know that I was born just like you and did you know it could have been you instead of me. See yes I am the one with a mental illness the doctor told me so, but I am a soul I am a human. My blood runs red just like yours and my heart beats just like every other one. It’s not like I have some marking or some deformity. Yet you act like I have a disease and if you touch me you’ll catch it too. don’t you realize you’re stares and your words help keep my mental illness alive. There’s so much controversy  and so much unknown. That anybody’s afraid to even talk about it much less get help for it. You can walk one mile and see billboards all around. Advertising fast foods and people running for mayor. The news covers the elections wide and far. Every news station, radio station and front pages newspaper, is plastered with the elections we know so much about who’s going to run even their dirty little secrets are revealed. But I don’t hear nothing nothing at all that lets the ones who suffer know that it will be okay. We become afraid to reach out and ask for helping hand due to the fact it will be held against us. You see I did not know I was born with a mental illness. it was something that lingered in me though. And through the years and the trauma the dirty Little thing revealed itself. It came with a price and it was costly. I spent months and months in a hospital so I wouldn’t slit my wrist. No I really truly did not want to hurt myself, I really did and do want to live my life. But you see my brain’s not like yours and I don’t know why. All I know is this illness has taken my life. There are so many souls who’ve lost your fight with mental illness just like there are so many souls who’s lost their fight to addiction. We cry and we talk and we mourn the ones who’ve lost to cancer or heart attack or any medical diagnosis like that. Then why don’t we do the same for mental illness and addiction. We need to stop this stigma and then maybe more souls will be helped. Maybe more lives will be saved everyone just throws us out like the trash. We are a human completely just like you there’s nothing special about us well besides this brain of mine drives me crazy. I would give anything to have a transplant. You can get transplant of your lungs and your kidneys and any body parts and skin but for some reason the brain cannot be replaced. It is what controls your whole entire body and keeps us alive pretty much so without it I guess there’s nothing but for some of us with it we are nothing still. We need to let it be known that is okay that if you have a mental illness you can ask for help. Don’t fear your children won’t be taken, don’t fear your husband or your wife won’t leave you. Your family stand by you and help you all the way just like they would someone dyeing of cancer. It’s not the same you say how? why? They didn’t ask to have cancer and fight a long hard battle, they didn’t ask for it to take them out. they had life they still had to live. I didn’t ask nor want mental illness and to fight this daily battle. Luckily it has not taken my life but the illness is wanting to. See I can’t reach out for help without being judged, talked about and God only knows what else. People are cruel this is true. I’m hoping one day my words will lay upon your ears, and the next time you cross path is someone suffering from mental illness you’ll stop and think maybe ask how you’re doing. Just like that drug addict porn addict gambling addict were all the same. You say we have a choice but this I don’t believe for I would never have chosen a brain like mine. We don’t enjoy it it’s not fun at all, you couldn’t imagine the nightmare we live. So why you sitting there in your perfect little life with your perfect little mind remember you could have been the one born with the disease.

Little girl Little girl why are you so blue, this is nothing new. 30 years on between the Little girl then and the one now. Both left longing and hoping to be accepted. Little girl, Little girl why so blue. Why let the repeat of history steal your joy. Your heart is breaking and eyes are crying.  No one can see the amount of pain your smile holds back. I see yu and I feel you for I am you.  The part of you that wants to break free. Free from the grips of the one’s who were supposed to love you and protect you.  Instead pain and sadness is all you bare. Sitting and daydreaming of them, thinking of them and wondering how they are and not understanding why no one reaches out. Days dray by and turn to months.  You heart breaks a little more and you try once again. Only to be left defeated and wondering what is wrong with you.  30 years later and that 6 year old girl now 36 feels the same. Little girl Little girl why are you so blue, you should  be use to it by now. Learn to accept it and move on or else you will be Blue until the day you take your last breath

Your my hardest goodbye, the one that shock me to my core.  The good bye that is never ending and is always asking why.  I had to say good bye before I got to say hello.  My heart had to say good bye before my arms held you close. In my belly you lived 6 short months, dreaming of the day we will meet. Looking into your open blue eyes and saying hello was how to was to go.  Sadly that wasn’t the plan.  Instead I held you and looked into your closed eyes and said goodbye.  Your my hardest goodbye forever,  because there was no hello first.