Beautifully~Broken

Everyday I stumble, I fall and slip. Feel the weight of the world upon my shoulders knocking me down to the ground over and over. My heart aching as memories of my beautiful children dancing my head. Guilt and shame is all that I feel. Wanting nothing more than to hold them in my arms and be their mom once more. But I can’t see that in sight for my vision is blurred by my tears. Everything going on around and around talks and the stairs the comments under the breath and the ones approved. My mind’s rattled shaking to the Core and my heart has taken the beaten that it was not prepared for. Only can I blame myself before I failed over and over stumbled in that fall. I had a Saving Grace he was such an angel. He is truly an angel my baby boy Cody. Came in when my life was a mess and made me feel love again gave me the strength to move on and keep fighting. My cloud started to depart and the rain has dried up. Loneliness no longer feel the rooms in my heart was once again warm and beaten. Then came that Dreadful day I want to wish I never ever experienced. God called My Angel home the angel that saved me. I failed my angel too, you see I made promise to him that I get his brothers home but the Devil is a Lie and he is so powerful especially when your heart has been shattered unexpectedly and your world ripped apart. You may not make sense to nobody else cuz it surely don’t make sense to me how can I go from being so full of love and joy and happy to being broken and cold and torn apart. I sit and stare and I wonder what could be if my angel had took his first breath. But that wasn’t the plan and I don’t know why. Only God Knows Why they say you got to trust and have faith. I’m finding it hard to even though he showed me Amazing Grace time and time again for I know it’s only through him that I even have my children in the first place. But this girl so fragile and so alone been so broken abused and done wrong. Mine screaming wanting to snap Hearts aching tears falling and she’s still in trapped looking for an outlet something to numb her pain she used to be a cutter. But now she has those beautiful boys and she couldn’t dare take a blade and make the pain go away. Then why the hell is this devil so hard to let go of. You do what you need in order not to feel.  But then the pain and memories come back with a vengeance knocking you down to your knees, gut ranching pain in your stomach, gritting your teeth and pounding your fist. begging and pleading for God to make it stop.