Hey Doctor

You sit there asking me if I’m okay, I stop and stare trying to understand. Understand what you really want to hear. All with in a few seconds 1,000 words run through my head, …….” No I’m not okay there something inside me that is betraying me, causing me great discomfort and wants to hurt me. My mind is racing, I can’t even comprehend. Stomach starts aching, palms are sweaty everything goes crazy, black space fazes me. Something triggers and I feel like I’m spacing. Suddenly I’m brought back to reality, visible shaking. Just to muffle, the words I’m fine. Not realizing it’s only been 5 seconds, since you asked me. You pause for a few, trying to gather if that’s the truth. Not realizing your stares make me feel uneasy. Mind starts racing making me feel more crazy. Now I’m the one sitting there trying to understand and comprehended, thinking you quietly judging and mocking me. Silence feeling the room making my body go frantic. I move around on my sit trying not to make eye contact. You don’t realize but I’m having a panic attack. Fear of judgement and not being good enough is now taking over. As if that wasn’t enough, fear of opening up starts to take over. Deep down i want to scream, please stop, can’t you see. But I realize all you have to go by are my words. That’s why here I sit outside in the cold, two days before we even meet trying to prepare for something that hasn’t even came. I know me and I know how it will be, I wish it wasn’t so, I don’t like what is happening to me. Panicking for something that’s not yet in my reach, but still the fear lingers cause that’s what my mind does to me. You see, I’ll tell you I’m fine but I’m really not. To express myself I can not. Not while you sit there, judging me. You’ll say but your not judging me, you just trying to help. Tell me mind that, for it’s the one who won’t believe it. I’m tried of trying to explain to something that has betrayed me. Hey doc while we on this subject, do you want to trade me?? Not for entirety, just a week or so. So I can know what it’s like to be normal. No, I didn’t think so. I don’t mean no harm and no judgement but I have to ask. Do you really think you can help me? Do you really understand. Textbooks are good and diploma that’s a master, well that’s pretty nifty. Your hard work I won’t deny. But do you hear the words I’m saying and fully grasp them. There something in me that’s hidden to the naked eye. We use words to express it but they to still are nothing compared to the truth. I live this everyday that’s why I’m so good at faking. But I’m getting tired to tried to try. I’m getting careless and it’s horrifying. So open your textbooks and do the research and let me know how you gonna help me, how you gonna save me. That’s all I got for now, I’m gonna rest my mind has drained me, and it’s only been 5 minutes since we started this conversation