Author: Sarabella

Wake up, sun out. Body hurting, mind racing. The noise starts, you feel your self fading. Make breakfast, can’t eat. Unsure, don’t know what to do. Something missing, broken. Do your daily life, cleaning, cooking and being a mom. Yet you feel confused. Body aching, mind racing. Need to sit, yet can’t sit still. Have to do what needs to be done, yet no motivation. It still gets done, how? Unsure which way to go or how to feel.  Yet feel everything at once. It’s quite, no sound in the house. Turn music on,  that noise trigger Something. Music goes off, the quite fills the room once again. Leaving you to feel more lonely and mind goes in over drive.  Silence killing you, driving your mind wild. Music back on. Start to write, stop. Start a game,  stop. Don’t know what to do, but have to do something before your mind drives you even more insane.  Yet just want to sit. Walk around, sitting down and back and forth.  Just want to scream, can’t take this   Chaos anymore.. Bipolar depression is a bitch
              BY:Sara Johnson

Your broken and lost. Confused, unsure, and scared. You’ve been knocked down so many times, yet you still stand.  Yes, you made mistakes,  mistakes after mistakes and some more then you should.  But you see it, feel it and accept it.  You know what you want and you know what you need. Fight my angel,  stand up and spread your wings.  You are the one who knows what you need, you are your own hero. Time to take a stand and make a change only you are able to do.  You are a tiger and no one can stop you.  But you have to believe. The time has come to put your self on the pedal stool and become your own hero. It’s okay for you to have what you want. It’s okay to speak your mind and demand your wants and needs.  You give and give until nothing was left.  Now it’s your turn . By: Sara Johnson

I can’t feel, am I still here. I hear the noise but I can’t respond. I see everything yet feel nothing. What is this, who am I? Is this me or something deeper. I want to scream, run and feel. But nothing is coming out. But again I don’t want to feel i feel to much. The pain in unbearable, I just want to hid. But I keep going, keep pushing forward. For I can’t give up, its not a loud. But this feeling is something undiscribble . One I wouldn’t wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I’m here, I see and hear. Yet at the same time I’m no where to be found. By:Sara Johnson

Each day im becoming stronger. Each day I’m becoming wiser.
Each day I’m learning to love myself a little more, then the day before.  The silent no longer vases me.  For I’ve come custom to it.  You may think my heart breaks.  We’ll I can not tell a lie.  It does,  it breaks daily.  But not for the reasons you think. My heart breaks for myself and for what I have allowed.  It breaks cause I did not stand up for myself like I use to and like I deserve.  My heart breaks for you.  See I love you this I can not deny. It will be true till the day I die. But every day that you act the way you do,  your pushing the one person who would go to the end of the world for you.  Pushing her away to a point of no return. I know what will be said, and the rumors that will fly. But deep down I know and you know the truth. I gave my all and more until there was nothing left to give.  And you took and took and thought it would always be there.  But as days turn into months, and months turn into years, this little lady started to find herself and her desire.  So while you acting like you are,  and trying to tear me down. You are actually teaching me to live without you.  Teaching me to love myself more and like I should be. So please know I’ll always love you,  but your crazy beautiful has had enough.!!!!!

Minds racing, heart pounding. Sweats pouring, slowly losing grip of reality. The things in my head are unbearable, my nightmares you could not indulge. For if you was locked inside my head, for even 60 seconds, you would understand why I hid like I do. Minds screaming, but no words are coming out. Trying to hold on, but the demons in my head are making me lose grip. Grip of myself and grip of my reality. Keep busy all day so I can get a little relief. Sun goes down and night time rolls in. Body tried and ready for bed. Lay there for hours, with racing repeating thoughts. My nightmare you couldn’t indulge, for I wouldn’t want you to. My body been through hell. From being raped, to abuse and left broken. But not even those compare to what my brain does to me daily. My light is dim and hope seems far, but still I fight everyday to have my life, for the demons won’t win. I am a fighter and a survivor.

Scared and alone., Hurting and broken. I try so hard to keep going, but my heart has taken an beating. The bursie fade, broken bones heal. But what’s left on the inside, never disappears. Your words are empty and useless. They mean nothing to me. Your hands tell the truth. A truth I should have already over came. I blame myself. When I should blame you.  My only fault, was loving and caring to much.  Believing and  hoping,, once again you left me broken 

When you look my way, what do you see? Do you see a girl who’s trying? Do you see a mother, daughter, sister, aunt, niece and a wife? Or do you see what i feel.? What do you see? I’ll tell you what you may see, or at least what I feel you see.  An empty shell, all the inside has slowly disappeared. What once was an outgoing soul, is becoming dim. The light that shined so brightly, with love and compassion, is now burning out.  What do you see? Do you see a girl who does it all. From sun up to sun down, doing all that is asked of her. Do you see someone who waits on everyone hand and foot? Or do you see, what i feel you see? I’ll tell you what you see, or what you should see.  Do you see the one who does it all,  breaking? Asking and begging for help? Do you see the mom,  who is tired of all the fighting and demanding. Do you see the mom, who is losing her self trying to please everyone? Do you see the daughter, friend, niece and aunt,  who constantly giving her self hell cause she doesn’t feel good enough? She feels that no matter how much she does and how much she provides its not good enough? Can you see the tears in her eyes, the breaking of her heart.  The longing to be accepted and treated like the rest. ? You don’t? Well you should look deeper, for she there.  She inside the one, you demand, talk down too, she the one that will sit in a room full of people, yet be so alone cause they only talk to her when they want something.  Please look for her,!! She is there.  But soon she won’t be cause she can’t take much more.  Instead of asking what she can do for you,  ask what you can do for her.  The one who does it all needs to be loved.!!

                 By: Sara Johnson

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton