Author: Sarabella

Forbidden Love

         This love should had never been, you should not had been out that day, when our eyes meet I felt a little strange, but you knew you had found the one. I was jumping in with faith, while you knew already,  had a plan. Days went by and I saw fireworks in the sky, they were loud and beautiful, not knowing then they were a sing. You spoke your words and turned up the charm. I was captured like a photo in a book. Together you said we would write a new life book. Things moved quickly and I’m not quit sure why. My heart felt love and my mind was blown. How was I to know it was all a lie. As the time passed my love seemed to know no end. It got deeper and deeper, I just couldn’t stop it. Some how though your love had turned ice cold. The man I stared at, was not the one I known. It had seemed there was a mask hidden, and it finally got ripped away. Before I knew it, my love had became my forbidden love. A love that once was beautiful and gentle, had became a love of hurt and pain. Your touches got stronger and the words meaner. What use to be my light, had now turned dim. My body that was once touched gentally and held tight with love. Is now being broken and destroyed by the very same hands. I’m not sure why or how anyone could love someone so much, yet turn so evil. I should had known, the signs were there. But love had blinded me to see the truth. I know now as I sit here alone. You were my forbidden love, and I was your new victim. I should had known by the looks and the words, that your motivation was one far more insane. But I couldn’t see or didn’t want to see, so I sit alone broken, abuse and hurt, remembering the love we shared, while you feed off my fear. Tears fall from my eyes as I remember a love I had that was true. I smile creeps across your face, as you relive your evil plan that came true. We are not the same, I was looking for a love so true, while you looked for a soul to devour

Day in and day out, I sit here alone. Nothing to comfort me beside my own thoughts. It can be dangerous, they can be cruel. My mind can make me want to scream, it can leave me very lonely.  Heart is aching, I can feel it breaking. Day in and day out, I’m left to my own device, nothing or no one, to call me back to reality . So much needs to be accomplished, so much has to be done, time slowly passes by . Loneliness is slowly killing what’s left on the side. Loneliness is a silent killer , you can’t see it but you can feel it. Nobody can smell it but you could feel it devouring you alive. There’s only so much a person can do when your left alone especially when you have a mind that runs Non- stop. The loneliness consumes  you like a fire consumes anything that’s laid in it’s path. Each day each hour, you slowly start to lose give grip of reality. Until the day the silent killer finally put you out your misery…..

Your words are as cold as ice, and as sharp as a knife. Pricing my heart like a dagger. I feel all the rage and anger, you have boiling from with in. So hot it’s done melted your heart. Leaving a cold empty space, looking to be filled. You walk around looking and searching for the one. The one who can feel your empty spot. But your anger and rage burns to hot. Consuming you, and turning you into something, that you only thought could be In a nightmare. I feel you and every thing you try to put us through. Breaking and destroying us little by little. But no matter how hard i try, I can not see your face?? All I see is blackness. Who you are, is not who you where. Now your identity is gone, and you’re trying so hard to replace it and feel that whole. You’re the man with no face, your hatred your anger pierced through my body like I was walking on burning rocks, you’re angry and you’re violent has hurt my body. My body being left abused bruised and rattled apart, but my life is what is really truly taking it’s beating, the man with no face is stealing my joy and my happiness separating me from my kids because you yourself can’t handle your own anger and pain you man with no face why must you keep coming and torturing me I break free I broke the chains away leave me alone Mr man with no face leave me alone.

My words are all I have to express myself, another way for you to feel what’s Within. You can’t feel the Aitkin breaking of the heart. You can’t feel the soul dying slowly, the pain becomes unbearable. Tears fall through my eyes, but you should see the one that fall from the heart. They run deeper than the ocean, colder then any Arctic river. I tried to express my emotions the best I can, but for some reason they’re left upon a dead ear. Or maybe it’s me I know I’m not like the rest. I feel it, and people have showed it to me by the way they treat me. The one who fight, the one who cares and the one who does it all for everyone, is the one I get every stone thrown upon them. The list goes on Miles and Miles of things that I need to fix and do things, that are in somebody’s eyes is not right. I had so many souls coming at me at once I need to do this need to do that, I’m not doing this good enough not doing that good enough. It’s time get another dagger stuck in my heart, I feel as if I can stand against the wall and let you guys just Stone me. I’m sorry I’m not perfect I’m sorry that everything you want me to be, I’m sorry if my strength not strong enough. Please forgive me you’re having a heart like I do please forgive me that God made me to, these are my words, they go with how I’m feeling but now I landed I won’t say no more because it falls upon a dead here

Stupid girl, why, why did you let what happened so long ago affect your life today. Can’t you see it wasn’t your fault, you need to know you had no say, you are innocent a child nothing you did was your fault. But the fact that you let it affect your adulthood is your fault. Little girl, you stupid little girl, sorry if I hurt your feelings I didn’t mean to. But the simple fact that little girl has been afraid to be alone, have been afraid to be abandoned, been afraid not to have people like her. You gave it your all, you aim to please even the ones who do not deserve it, nobody knows what you feel that’s what you think but I do. I see you and I feel you, I do love you but I wish I could Escape you. Maybe then I would be stronger and not afraid to be alone. Maybe then my words will be heard instead of muffled Within. You do a great job expressing your concerns and wants, the problem is
you keep it within and and not out. Your fear a crippled you, and now you’re losing the most precious jewels, precious gifts God can give you. You stupid girl, I know that hurts I’m sorry, I do not know what what snapped or what triggered in your mind, but in California after everything changed you were not the same. For over 25 years, you have been in in search, of something. Is it acceptance is it love, you wanted and needed, to feel appreciated and happy and loved?? I have you, little girl there is no love like the love of a child, and you stupid girl you hurt my adulthood by being so insecure, for not standing up for yourself, you might be robbing me perfect love. Little girl I know the 3-month after daddy left were traumatic. But you got to get past it. Like you were told before it the path get over it. No I’m not mad at you yes I’m disappointed, no I’m not going to leave you but
I will help you learn to stand up for yourself. Little girl little girl, you have so much to do and you can do it. You are brave you are a leopard jump over the bad and leap into the good nothing hold you back sky’s the limit a little girl spread your wings and fly let nothing else hold you back ever again for you are loved and wanted.😕😕

I should had let him continue, I should have just let him do what he wanted and hit me till he was satisfied. I should have stayed quiet, I should have not spoken up. I should had, I could had. But I wanted it stopped. No more did I want to be a punching bag I don’t want to be controlled no more did I want him to control every single part of my life. I spoke up ask for help and look what I got. I know my faults I know my wrongs. But I also know I try and I fight. I should have stayed quiet, I should not have call the police, maybe the kids would be coming home. I was in fear and needed it to stop, but maybe my fears and my emotions don’t matter, maybe I should had. Maybe I should have stayed quiet, maybe I should had disobeyed and Bow down to his every command then would I be okay……

Pt2
They should have done their job better, they should have arrested him they should have putting Behind Bars. they should have protected the victim. they should have ensure my safety. I’ve done everything within my powers make sure myself and my home is protected. No trespassing ,✅ protection order✅ file police report✅ contacted everybody involved✅ went to court✅ call the lawyer✅ I did everything I felt was the right thing to do, but guess what I guess I should had. I should have stayed quiet I should have waited till he was done. I should have just said I was going to call and not really call the cops. All of the should had and it could had, are now hunting me. I would take a beating if it will keep my kids at home, but I did what was right, I asked for help, and in return I get the kids may not get to come home because I can assure their father won’t show up. Can you, can you assure he will not show up at my house. Can you assure he won’t show up at your house? Can you assure he won’t show up the house the kids go to, You can’t, why not? You should had you could have, now tell me how I’m not protecting my children when I did all that I could had but now I feel like I shouldn’t had.

If only you could be a fly on the wall for a day. What i go through daily, would rip you apart. Shatter your hopes and dreams. My life you couldn’t in dull. I don’t even know how I’m still here. My heart is broken, my body and soul are vanishing. Don’t they see I’m a person to. Don’t they think I need to be loved and respected. Is this really why I am here?? Did God want this for me?? To be a slave to every one. To be hurt and talked down to like a Nothing. Am I Nothing but scum on the bottom of their shoes. Why must I keep going through this. No one understands my heart, my life anything. I’m alone and broken. To be a fly on the wall, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I just wished someone would see and understand.

There is nothing left inside, just an empty shell. Broken, scared and confused. No one understands, nor do they care to try. They look, they talk, they judge. But they don’t care. Alone and Broken is how I am and how ill always be. To get away, far away is what I need. But instead of helping and having faith. They judge, they downgrade and hurt. I give and give, they just take and take. I fight and do everything in my power to make every one’s needs and happiness meet. Yet I’m left broken and blamed. Why??? Am I that kind of person. Someone who was put on earth for people to target and to blame. I do what someone else does, I’m the bad guy, I’m to blame, yet the other one not to blame at all. Love and understanding is showered a pound them. I get hate and left and broken even. More . I just don’t get it, maybe i need to just leave every one alone and be by myself for rest of my life. Far far way.