Author: Sarabella

Before you leave the house, you pack a diaper bag and get your baby ready. I get dress and then put my necklace on. You get to hold your child and love on them. I hold a necklace and kiss it. You get to hear their laughs and see them grow. I get to look at a picture and wonder who they would have been. You get mad when your baby won’t stop crying. I’m crying because I never got to hear my baby cry. Your tired from sleepless nights of taking care of your newborn. I’m tired from crying all night as I felt my heart breaking even more, as I beg for my child back. We both were pregnant and excited for our little ones to be born. Yours came home, mine went to heaven. We are not the same.

SO, remember losing a child is a life changing effect. The person is never the same. Sometimes it’s hard to explain and people don’t understand why you don’t just move on. It’s okay to not understand. Then just don’t say anything at all. You see the day we hear them 6 words, (Sorry there is no more heartbeat) We die to and their something internal that snaps. We can’t and won’t just get over it and move on. We learn to cope. But we will never get over losing our child.

Everyday I stumble, I fall and slip. Feel the weight of the world upon my shoulders knocking me down to the ground over and over. My heart aching as memories of my beautiful children dancing my head. Guilt and shame is all that I feel. Wanting nothing more than to hold them in my arms and be their mom once more. But I can’t see that in sight for my vision is blurred by my tears. Everything going on around and around talks and the stairs the comments under the breath and the ones approved. My mind’s rattled shaking to the Core and my heart has taken the beaten that it was not prepared for. Only can I blame myself before I failed over and over stumbled in that fall. I had a Saving Grace he was such an angel. He is truly an angel my baby boy Cody. Came in when my life was a mess and made me feel love again gave me the strength to move on and keep fighting. My cloud started to depart and the rain has dried up. Loneliness no longer feel the rooms in my heart was once again warm and beaten. Then came that Dreadful day I want to wish I never ever experienced. God called My Angel home the angel that saved me. I failed my angel too, you see I made promise to him that I get his brothers home but the Devil is a Lie and he is so powerful especially when your heart has been shattered unexpectedly and your world ripped apart. You may not make sense to nobody else cuz it surely don’t make sense to me how can I go from being so full of love and joy and happy to being broken and cold and torn apart. I sit and stare and I wonder what could be if my angel had took his first breath. But that wasn’t the plan and I don’t know why. Only God Knows Why they say you got to trust and have faith. I’m finding it hard to even though he showed me Amazing Grace time and time again for I know it’s only through him that I even have my children in the first place. But this girl so fragile and so alone been so broken abused and done wrong. Mine screaming wanting to snap Hearts aching tears falling and she’s still in trapped looking for an outlet something to numb her pain she used to be a cutter. But now she has those beautiful boys and she couldn’t dare take a blade and make the pain go away. Then why the hell is this devil so hard to let go of. You do what you need in order not to feel.  But then the pain and memories come back with a vengeance knocking you down to your knees, gut ranching pain in your stomach, gritting your teeth and pounding your fist. begging and pleading for God to make it stop.

I was a sinner, making the same mistakes over and over. Heartache as the tears poured. Hurt, abused, broken and self meditateding. No hope could I see, no end in sight. Suicide thoughts ran rapid through my mind as my heart broke more. Finally at the end no where to turn, I hit my knees. Cried and begged to the one who created me. Life I no longer wanted, asking him to save me and end my pain. But my creator knee how strong he made me and knew I was a fighter. In stead of ending me, he created a little baby in me. He fixed what was broken by giving me a life to love and love him. He opened my heart and made me see who I was meant to be. He said you are my daughter, fix your crown and fight. Pieces of me are still broken, I fight everyday to be better and do better. I’m greatful he sent grace to save me and not death to end me

Just stop, that’s all nothing more nothing less. You won, I’ve been defeated. No longer standing, broken to pieces. Gasping for air, your in control. I’ve begged for mercy, gave all I had and more. Followed directions and never said no. Your wants were my desires, your happiness was my delight. You drained and taken, what more can you want. All I have are my words and the memories that are burned into me. You won, victory is yours, go and celebrate just let me be. I’ll lick my wounds in secret. Don’t shed no light on me or whisper my name. I never needed something in my life as I do now. All I want is to be forgotten and left alone. I promise you won’t hear my voice nor see my face. Just let me live. I’ve paid my dues and dearly might I add. So find another victim to entertain you. I’ll I ask is just stop!!!!!!

The walls are closing in, brain screaming, heart is breaking. Gasping for air, chest tightening like a shoelace stuck on conveyor belt. Trying to scream but nothing coming out. Want to run, want to hide to get away is my only desire. I feel my airway getting tighter as mind is going round and round. Frantic panics run rampage in my body. Shaking and on the verge of vomiting. Pain is burned into my soul like a horse who is branded. Turn music up trying to tune out the thoughts. They trinkle in like a summer rain. Music off so the don’t have to compete. Staring off into space as every ounce of me is draining. Look around and like normal no one here. No one to call upon to beat their chest as the tears pour And I let everything hit the floor. Screaming at the top of my lungs is my desire, fear of being seen is my hostage. Wanting to reach out and ask for help, but fear of judgment and betrayal, keeps me handcuffs to the demons from with in. Demons that aren’t even mine. They belong to the ones who used me, hurt me, played me, broke me. Do you not realize I am so far beyond broken, I asked, begged and pleaded for some relief. Evil laughter and gossip all I get, with a fallen of more painful tactics top on. I mumble the words you won, y’all finally won. Then a small little voice yells back. No you strong don’t you dare give up. So I sit here ahead my tears alone wanting nothing more then to make the pain stop. Yet I can’t give in. When when will I get some peace. All I do is love and want to help. Why do I feel like a piece of Garbage. Scum on the Earth when my heart is pure and I’m fighting next to the evil. God please help me!!!!! I can’t do it I’m to far broken and lonely. I give up no you fight on

I hate you every little thing about you. My skin crawls like little cockroaches. Your name coming out my mouth, leaves the taste of puke. No matter how much I brush my teeth & scrub my tongue, still lingers what you left behind. You live in a fantasy world, and all your relatives are the rodents. I tried so hard the Breakaway like a dog chained to a tree. He’s hot and miserable and he searching for some love and compassion. Finally he’s able to break free, and just like for me it might be too late. My heart has become like a volcanos, the sight of you filled my head with images of disgust like trash in a land field. You treated like a king, you should be treated like a servant. Every ounce of my body has been filled with rage. For 11 long years you devoured my body, my soul, my mind and my life. It ends today, you have Unleashed a a beast in me. One that will not hibernate like a bear. I’m out for vengeance, and there no one can stop me. I was wounded like a sheep in a fight With a pack of wolves. I laid down licking my wounds. Moaning and crying, no Direction or hope could I find. I was left with despair. You created this monster you should have known, you knew what laid inside of you. didn’t you realize what you created, would be far more heinous. Tried so hard to hold on to my heart, Never Letting you change that one aspect of me. I don’t know if you did it or life in general. My heart has turned hard as a rock and cold as ice. now sit back pretty boy and watch your master piece at work.

Chest tightening gasping for air. Stomach aching , Palms sweating the feeling of fear is invading. The nightmare has been awoken. Bipolar in overdrive while depression sinking. Heart is breaking as my mind is racing. Self destruction is creeping while the feelings are racing. Feelings of brokenness on top of failure. Mixed in with disappointment and a  side of crazy. Mixed together and forced down my throat. Chocking and gasping for air. Begging and pleading for it to stop. But its never ending. Its a constant in my life, like the air we breath. I fight so hard and no one really sees. They see me as an easy target, someone who won’t say no. Giving my and always pleasing. Don’t they see I’m tired? Tired of fighting this daily battle. Do they not know how tired it is to fight something that is within you that wants to kill you? You can’t see it but you damn sure can feel it. Maybe then they realize it’s not that I can’t say no or that I am a people pleasure. I’m drained and broken. Mind is on the brinks of snapping. Please shed lightly I pray but they know no end. I don’t know one soul that isn’t cold. I get knock down and I raise again. This time I’m unsure if I’ll be able or if I even want to. sleep sounds good, for eternity even better. At this moment I wouldn’t care. up above on a soft cloud or down below in the heat. to tired to finish this…….to Broken…..to……everything!!!!
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You sit there asking me if I’m okay, I stop and stare trying to understand. Understand what you really want to hear. All with in a few seconds 1,000 words run through my head, …….” No I’m not okay there something inside me that is betraying me, causing me great discomfort and wants to hurt me. My mind is racing, I can’t even comprehend. Stomach starts aching, palms are sweaty everything goes crazy, black space fazes me. Something triggers and I feel like I’m spacing. Suddenly I’m brought back to reality, visible shaking. Just to muffle, the words I’m fine. Not realizing it’s only been 5 seconds, since you asked me. You pause for a few, trying to gather if that’s the truth. Not realizing your stares make me feel uneasy. Mind starts racing making me feel more crazy. Now I’m the one sitting there trying to understand and comprehended, thinking you quietly judging and mocking me. Silence feeling the room making my body go frantic. I move around on my sit trying not to make eye contact. You don’t realize but I’m having a panic attack. Fear of judgement and not being good enough is now taking over. As if that wasn’t enough, fear of opening up starts to take over. Deep down i want to scream, please stop, can’t you see. But I realize all you have to go by are my words. That’s why here I sit outside in the cold, two days before we even meet trying to prepare for something that hasn’t even came. I know me and I know how it will be, I wish it wasn’t so, I don’t like what is happening to me. Panicking for something that’s not yet in my reach, but still the fear lingers cause that’s what my mind does to me. You see, I’ll tell you I’m fine but I’m really not. To express myself I can not. Not while you sit there, judging me. You’ll say but your not judging me, you just trying to help. Tell me mind that, for it’s the one who won’t believe it. I’m tried of trying to explain to something that has betrayed me. Hey doc while we on this subject, do you want to trade me?? Not for entirety, just a week or so. So I can know what it’s like to be normal. No, I didn’t think so. I don’t mean no harm and no judgement but I have to ask. Do you really think you can help me? Do you really understand. Textbooks are good and diploma that’s a master, well that’s pretty nifty. Your hard work I won’t deny. But do you hear the words I’m saying and fully grasp them. There something in me that’s hidden to the naked eye. We use words to express it but they to still are nothing compared to the truth. I live this everyday that’s why I’m so good at faking. But I’m getting tired to tried to try. I’m getting careless and it’s horrifying. So open your textbooks and do the research and let me know how you gonna help me, how you gonna save me. That’s all I got for now, I’m gonna rest my mind has drained me, and it’s only been 5 minutes since we started this conversation

There’s a stigma around Mental Health and it needs to be erased. Y’all need to realize before for us it’s a little too late, just like they say addiction is a disease so is mental health. Its something people are born with and something they can’t control. I guarantee you as I’m standing here breathing, the ones who suffer with the diagnosis of a mental health would give anything in this world to have it taken back. It’s a mystery as why some have bipolar depression anxiety PTSD and so much more. and why some of them do not. Just like it’s a mystery why some do a drug only once and never touched it again. And then have those souls that lose their lives trying to find another fix. Were looked upon with disgust, around us nobody wants to be. You don’t have to tell us for we can see it in your eyes. when we come walking your way and you dodge to miss us. But did you know that I was born just like you and did you know it could have been you instead of me. See yes I am the one with a mental illness the doctor told me so, but I am a soul I am a human. My blood runs red just like yours and my heart beats just like every other one. It’s not like I have some marking or some deformity. Yet you act like I have a disease and if you touch me you’ll catch it too. don’t you realize you’re stares and your words help keep my mental illness alive. There’s so much controversy and so much unknown. That anybody’s afraid to even talk about it much less get help for it. You can walk one mile and see billboards all around. Advertising fast foods and people running for mayor. The news covers the elections wide and far. Every news station, radio station and front pages newspaper, is plastered with the elections we know so much about who’s going to run even their dirty little secrets are revealed. But I don’t hear nothing nothing at all that lets the ones who suffer know that it will be okay. We become afraid to reach out and ask for helping hand due to the fact it will be held against us. You see I did not know I was born with a mental illness. it was something that lingered in me though. And through the years and the trauma the dirty Little thing revealed itself. It came with a price and it was costly. I spent months and months in a hospital so I wouldn’t slit my wrist. No I really truly did not want to hurt myself, I really did and do want to live my life. But you see my brain’s not like yours and I don’t know why. All I know is this illness has taken my life. There are so many souls who’ve lost your fight with mental illness just like there are so many souls who’s lost their fight to addiction. We cry and we talk and we mourn the ones who’ve lost to cancer or heart attack or any medical diagnosis like that. Then why don’t we do the same for mental illness and addiction. We need to stop this stigma and then maybe more souls will be helped. Maybe more lives will be saved everyone just throws us out like the trash. We are a human completely just like you there’s nothing special about us well besides this brain of mine drives me crazy. I would give anything to have a transplant. You can get transplant of your lungs and your kidneys and any body parts and skin but for some reason the brain cannot be replaced. It is what controls your whole entire body and keeps us alive pretty much so without it I guess there’s nothing but for some of us with it we are nothing still. We need to let it be known that is okay that if you have a mental illness you can ask for help. Don’t fear your children won’t be taken, don’t fear your husband or your wife won’t leave you. Your family stand by you and help you all the way just like they would someone dyeing of cancer. It’s not the same you say how? why? They didn’t ask to have cancer and fight a long hard battle, they didn’t ask for it to take them out. they had life they still had to live. I didn’t ask nor want mental illness and to fight this daily battle. Luckily it has not taken my life but the illness is wanting to. See I can’t reach out for help without being judged, talked about and God only knows what else. People are cruell this is true. I’m hoping one day my words will lay upon your ears, and the next time you cross path is someone suffering from mental illness you’ll stop and think maybe ask how you’re doing. Just like that drug addict porn addict gambling addict were all the same. You say we have a choice but this I don’t believe for I would never have chosen a brain like mine. We don’t enjoy it it’s not fun at all, you couldn’t imagine the nightmare we live. So why you sitting there in your perfect little life with your perfect little mind remember you could have been the one born with the disease.

As far back as I could remember, I knew I was different then the rest of my family I was the baby of 3 and the only girl. As the years passed, I’ve came to realize I was the black sheep of the family. My heart and mind was nothing like my brother’s. I felt it every day, and as years passed by it was proven to be true. My life was a chaotic mess, filled with lots of hurt, trauma and brokenness. No one could do no wrong, besides me. And when life took it’s evil turn, I was Left with a fear and realaztion that, my life I was born in, was not my life and the ties needed to be served. Granite the blood that ran through my body, was the same as my brother’s and parents. But my blood seem to have dinner different in it. Poison is what I call it. For as it ran through my body, evil thoughts and unspoken diagnosis is what it brought me. I realized that I young age that I was going to have to get through life on my own. I did the best I could, for as long as I could. But that blood the blood that tied us was still running rabbit in my body. I needed it out there was nothing else to do. So after all the years of trauma and abuse and being connected to a family that was not yours, I cut the poison out.

One cut after another until my body was healed. That was the day I served ties, with the family I share blood. I had to walk away, for I did not fit. I can’t explain it I just know it, but that’s okay though the blood still runs through my veins, my ties are forever severed. I do not know why or DNA was program different, I do not know why the ones who are my true family are so different from me. My heart is daily and the memories burn like hot cole on fire. I love runs deep and I want nothing but to feel wanted and needed in love. But that’s not in my making, that’s not in my jeans. For I believe the umbilical cord that connected me to the woman who gave me life had a yield Lane connected to it. For wherever that other piece of cord was to, that is my true family. I’m not talking about a person or people or a place, I’m talking about a feeling that an emotion. My blood family, is my family the family I cut ties with. But this other family I was connected to is my real family. They are my soul family. Our connection is deep, its peer, its clear and its true. I can’t explain it I just know, now when God gave me my blood family they were not the for me. Maybe they weren’t the ones for me, but I was the one for them. I was there to make them see and to make them feel that there is love in the world. They may have broken me, and made my blood run cold. But I survived I am okay for my soul family has blessed me in many ways. You may be confused manly never heard, of a blood family and a soul one. But I’m here to tell you it is real it is true and pure. The words are hard to find, it’s something that you feel. It’s an experience it’s out of this world, it’s mind-boggling, but I tell you as you sit in there reading these words it is so true. My soul is happy singing loving, though my heart is breaking for the connection with my blood family that’s so so waited for so long. But as I stand here today I have a smile on my face, for I know I will be all right.

Though the tears will fall as a memory to play back in my mind though my heart will break for that long and family bond. I find peace and comfort in knowing that all along this family bond, had to be cut at the end. I’ll forever cherish the time we had together. I would never treat it for anything in this world, for help me and shape me into the one I am today. I don’t know if I understand how people is DNA and blood strongly the same, can be too oppositely different people. I actually feel sad for them not myself. I don’t know if they’ll ever feel the joy, and peace that I do everyday. Don’t get me wrong, it’s also very lonely, scary at times unbearable. But then I’m reminded though they were my blood family my ultimate family the one who made me who I am today, the one who molded me shaped me into the gentle soul I am, did my heavenly father my God almighty. My ties ran cold with the family I was with, but the burning ever so brightly for the one who created me. You see, why I know this is true. My heavenly father bleed for me. He sacrificed his life for me. My blood family would not even sacrifice, their image their life and their beliefs for me. I was the outcast thrown way like garbage. Mental Health is my diagnosis it’s not who I am. The trauma and the abuse, that I endured made the blood family run, hide and abandoned me. But I got through it and I always will. For that’s why I know I had two umbilical cord. There’s no other way to explain it especially when you feel it. I tried so hard to come up with the words but then I’m reminded there are none and there won’t be. My father has given me something so special so pure only the purest hearts feel it. I love my family I always will, my heart will ache my soul break as I remember the memories the good and the bad. But I find comfort and knowing that I’m not that bad. Yes I’m a human and yes I’m a sinner, but I am also a chosen a chosen one of God’s an angel that walks his Earth. Trying so hard to heal the dark and souls. My ties had to be cut, for they started to tant me. God knew then, that is Angel needed a rescue. So my blood ran cold as the poison ran through me. At the end I was able to break free and walk away from that family I knew.

This is my first attempt of writing a short story, it may not be the best but it’s a start for me God bless